Ugh

Seriously I don't even know if I'm mad, sad or worried.  Well I guess I'm all three of those...

Mad because he said he didn't or wouldn't but yet he did
Sad because seriously,  what kind of self control is that?
Worried,  well above all I'm worried because I obviously, sincerely and greatly care about him and right now I kinda wish I didn't care so much because I'm over here worried sick and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

He made a choice, a very stupid choice, a choice I don't approve or understand but it was his choice so oh well.

Can I just...

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

UGH

UGH UGH

UGH UGH UGH

UGH UGH UGH UGH

UGHHHHH UGHHHHH UGH

Ughhhhh ughhhh ughhhhh ugh

ugh ugH uGH UGH UGHHHH UUGGHHHH

What now

Ever feel like your feelings are so much bigger than your body? Like you can't even contain what you feel because it's that big and intense. I don't even know if I'm more mad than worried. "Sorry babe," he said, because saying sorry makes it all better, right? Because saying sorry makes it ok to go against what you've said. Words mean absolutely nothing when your actions say otherwise.
Why do I keep waiting for him to text me? It's stupid to think that he's going to text me and make it all better,  you know,  say the right thing, but there's no such thing. What can he say to make it better? Nothing,  absolutely nothing.

I don't get it, seriously what's the point? Why!?

UGH.

It's ok not to be ok

I miss you. The mote we talk, the more I want to run back to your arm. I wish things didn't have to be like this.

Breakup

I'm completely destroyed.  My chest literary hurts because of this heart ache. I never intended for this to end this way. I didn't wanted us to end. I opened my blog and I saw a bunch of unpublished posts about him, they were great posts. I poured my heart out in all that writing but it's all gone now. Nothing matters anymore. There's no us anymore. This is not the way it should be. Nothing feels right. We belong together but we're so far away now, I texted him 15 minutes ago , he hasn't replied. I don't know if he's ignoring me or just asleep but it's killing me. How can I ever get used to being without him? I swear this is the worst breakup ever. We didn't want to break up, I didn't want to break up and I really hope he understands that. I hate the way it ended, I know he's hurting just as much as I am and it sucks. I want him to be happy. I would honestly  take all his pain and suffer myself for both of us if I could. I've always wanted to make him happy and today I managed to destroy his heart. It sucks. I wish I didn't have to break up with him. I'm honestly about to cry myself to sleep but it doesn't matter because I've made so many people unhappy today that I probably deserve to feel the way I do.

Yong love

We're young and in love. I don't care if it doesn't make sense or if people think we're too young to know what love is because, we are young and, we are in love, that's what makes our love so pure. I'm sure we know more about love than some adults out there. We care for each other, we appreciate each other, we lean on each other, we need each other and most importantly,  we have each other. I want to share all my special moments with him, fall formal, senior prom, graduation and everything else that's ahead of us. Yes, we made a mistake, probably more than one, but all that proves is that we're not perfect. It doesn't mean we should stop seeing each other and make all those beautiful things we did together just memories or put it all in the past and move on. I want to be with him. I want to be with you babe ♡ you complete me. You're that piece that fits perfectly into my heart. I believe that we're meant to be together. A love like ours doesn't come around every day so I promise you to hold on to this, i'll hold on to us. I won't let you go babe because if I did my heart will ache forever and my head will regret it for eternity. I love you♥

I love you

I love you. Strong words I know, but I have no doubt that I do love you with all my heart. How can I explain it? How an I contain it? Right now, all we have is love. I hate the fact that I ask myself daily if I should be with you or do what my parents want me to do. Why do I have to choose? I want to be with you. I don't regret anything we've lived together. I instantly fell in love with you when we started talking. Everything happened so fast and I gave you everything. I trusted you. I never doubted of you. I gave you my heart, gave you the chance to destroy me completely but instead, you loved me back and brought a smile to my face. That's how I know that you are the one. You are the reason my past relationships never worked out. You are the reason i didn't know what true love was. You are the reason because everything led to you. It led to you so i can have a relationship with you and learn how to love and care for someone outside of my family. And after more than a year, you are like family to me and someday we will make official and live together. Our future is waiting for us, let's face it together. I love you.

Forget you

I've come to the conclusion that it would be impossible to ever forget you. No matter where I am or what I do, you're always on my mind. I sometimes wish I didn't love you as much as I do, so your absence wouldn't hurt so much, but then I remember how beautiful everything has been and realize that this love is worth it. It's such a beautiful day outside. I wish I could be with you walking around downtown like we used to. It hurts to know that you're so close but so far away at the same time.

So when the stars come out at night, 
And we're watching the same sky,
You can tell there's no surprise, 
I won't forget you.
It's like you fell from outer space,
And you can bet your pretty face,
You will never be replaced,
I won't forget you.

It's just a matter of time,
You know what's mine is yours,
I've put it all on the line.
And every day I say I love you more
than I did before and I don't think it's a lie.

This is our bedtime story
That we're gonna tell our kids,
And I'll watch you fall asleep, 
While holdin' all three, but until then,
I won't forget you.

Forget you-Cady Groves

PROM

Today was supposed to be a special day. A day we would both remember for the rest of our lives. A day we would look back at when we get older and talk about it with everyone, but instead, i'm here, sitting on my bed, thinking about what could-of had been and what is not. We made a mistake. A five-second decision that ruined our whole relationship. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine. Nothing is fine.I don't want to be here. I don't want to be sitting on my bed writing on my secret blog. I want to be with him, eating at a fancy restaurant, dressed our best. I want him to tell me how beautiful I look as we dance the night away. I don't care if it is in the school's cafeteria, I don't care if I don't talk to most of the people there. All I care about is him. I want to be with him. This was supposed to be the ultimate high school experience and I wanted to share it with him... As I type this, tears hit the keyboard, and my heart breaks a little with every word. I want to go back in time to the moment we made that decision. I want everything to be the way they should be. I want to be all dressed up next to him. I want to be at prom.

Thank you for being you

It's way too hard to express  these feelings. They overwhelm me, but in a good way. Nothing matters when I'm with him. It doesn't matter if we're talking in the school's cafeteria or in a nice restaurant deciding what to eat. He's everything I ever wanted. Sometimes I even think that he's more than I deserve. Whoever said love doesn't exist wasn't with the right person. When I'm with him I'm myself and I'm not afraid. I feel protected, i feel loved and alive next to him. He makes my life worth living. He's different, he's very unpredictable and has so much to give. My heart feels huge from all the love he gives me. This feeling is beautiful, it's huge and heart warming. I never imagined i could actually feel like this but I do and I love it. Life is perfect as long as I'm with him <3

He never said go

He never told me he wanted me to go and somehow it was my mistake and i have let him down once again. he says I'm pushing him and taking advantage of everything he gives me but truth is, i try to ask for as little as possible because i know he will say no. i know why i do the things i do, i have my reasons  but he's never asked for them. He doesn't hear me out, he can't see how much everything hurts. he can't feel my pain. he can't see how afraid i am. He can't see how tired i am of trying to fit in everywhere we go. He's pushing me, i need my time. I need time to get over the  people we left behind, to forget the friendships that were supposed to last forever but didn't last more than a week after we moved. For some reason i forget about all that when I'm in band, that's why i have no problems making friends but take me out of the band hall and I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm almost invisible in all my classes except band. he's never stopped to ask me how i feel about the moving, no one can understand how big of a deal it actually is. I'm sorry for not being your perfect daughter.

He's broken

Not very often but once in a while he lets his problems get the worst out of him. He goes on and on about how his family has made some pretty bad choices and how he hasn't had a good life so he doesn't deserve to be happy. It's hard for me to deal with all that because I feel like everything I say either makes him or breaks him. I often don't know what to do or say. On top of that, I often wonder if he feels like that every single day and hides it or if they're just mental breakdowns. I worry about him... he might not realize it but i just want him to be happy. He pushes people away from his life because he can't see how good he can be to other people, he would rather be alone than with someone that cares about him. He's broken in so many pieces and i'm afraid he will never recover because all he sees is something that's been shattered and will never be any good but all I see is something that was broken to create something better. He says he can't forget his past and where he comes from, I say that he can move on and have a better future. We often don't think alike but we sure have one thing in common: we want the other to be happy. I'm willing to learn how to make him feel better, i'm willing to be by his side but I don't think he's willing to wait for the right time for us to be together or for life to be any better. The change is in his hands but he can't see it. It's complicated.

Status Quo

I've always liked math because i'm good at it and like Cady from Mean Girls said "it's the same in every country." I had algebra 2 the fall semester of my sophomore year and now, the spring semester of my junior year of high school i'm taking trigonometry and even though it's only the second week of school I've already failed two quizzes. I've never failed anything in my life, I've never failed a class or a test and that's why this is killing me. I've always been the top student on my math class, that's my status quo, that's what i know how to do. English is my second language so it would be understandable if I fail it, I could also fail history because it's so different everywhere i go but i hadn't. I've never failed a class before so why start now? Yeah, i haven;t been in a math class in a whole year but that's no excuse. It's hard to realize that things change, i guess sometimes it's good to stick to your status quo.

Full of life